Once a playground game involving swinging from bar to bar, “monkey barring” has taken on a darker meaning in the world of modern dating. It now describes a toxic behaviour pattern that leaves partners confused, hurt, and often betrayed. If you’ve ever felt like someone wasn’t truly present in your relationship—or worse, seemed to be living a double life—this is the term you need to know.
what monkey barring means in relationships
In dating, monkey barring refers to someone who doesn’t let go of one relationship before grabbing hold of another. Instead of taking time to heal or reflect, they leap straight into the next romance, often leaving behind a trail of confusion. In some cases, it can go further : a person might maintain two relationships at the same time, juggling partners who are completely unaware of each other.
This kind of behaviour isn’t about love or connection—it’s about dishonesty, avoidance, and selfishness. Relationships built on secrecy inevitably crack, damaging trust and causing lasting emotional scars.
why people do it
People turn to monkey barring for different reasons. For some, it’s rooted in a fear of commitment or insecurity. Others may seek the thrill of constant novelty or use relationships as a way to boost their ego. And sometimes, it comes down to manipulation, where one partner deliberately keeps options open at another’s expense.
Whatever the reason, the result is the same: a lack of transparency and respect. Healthy relationships rely on trust, communication, and mutual understanding—all values that monkey barring tramples over.
the damage it causes
The effects of monkey barring can be long-lasting. Partners who discover they’ve been caught in this toxic pattern often struggle with low self-esteem, distrust, and a loss of intimacy. Feelings of betrayal can linger, making it harder to build healthy connections in the future.
Those who engage in monkey barring aren’t immune either. Many experience guilt, shame, or emotional conflict, especially when trying to maintain a double life. Over time, the cycle tends to collapse, leading to painful breakups and fractured friendships.
how to avoid falling into the trap
If you suspect monkey barring in your relationship, the first step is to step back and evaluate. Open, honest conversations with your partner are essential. Discuss boundaries, expectations, and what you both want from the relationship.
It’s equally important to invest in your own wellbeing. Taking time to heal between relationships—whether through self-reflection, therapy, or simply enjoying your independence—helps break the cycle. Building self-confidence makes it easier to spot red flags and demand the respect you deserve.
the bottom line
Monkey barring is a toxic pattern, one that thrives on secrecy and leaves emotional wreckage in its wake. To foster strong, lasting relationships, focus instead on honesty, trust, and clear communication. Know what you’re seeking in a partner, be upfront about your intentions, and respect the boundaries of others.
Avoiding monkey barring isn’t just about steering clear of toxic behaviour—it’s about creating relationships built on authenticity, where both partners feel valued and secure. That’s the only kind of love worth holding on to.
