We’ve all met someone who seems to think the world revolves around them — the friend who talks endlessly about their problems, the colleague who takes credit for teamwork, or that family member who somehow always gets their way. While a dash of self-interest is perfectly normal (we all need to look out for ourselves, after all), consistent selfish behaviour can drain your energy and strain relationships.
Understanding what drives selfish people and how to handle them can make a huge difference — for your peace of mind and your boundaries. Here are ten common traits to watch out for, and some expert-backed ways to deal with them constructively.
1. They make every conversation about themselves
Ever noticed how some people can turn any topic into a story about them? Whether it’s your new job, your weekend plans or your family drama, they’ll find a way to bring the focus back to their own experiences. Psychologists call this conversational narcissism, and it’s often rooted in insecurity rather than arrogance.
Try steering the chat gently back toward balance — or simply let the silence linger after their monologue. Sometimes, the lack of validation speaks louder than words.
2. They always put their interests first
From choosing restaurants to making major life decisions, selfish people tend to prioritise what suits them, even at the expense of others. They might use manipulation or guilt-tripping to get their way, leaving you feeling pressured to agree.
The antidote? Boundaries. Learn to say “no” without apology, and remind yourself that compromise should be mutual, not one-sided.
3. Gratitude isn’t their strong suit
You could move mountains for some people — and they’d barely say thank you. A lack of gratitude is a hallmark of selfishness. It can leave you feeling undervalued and resentful.
According to researchers at the University of California, practising gratitude strengthens empathy and improves relationships. So, model the behaviour you want to see — but don’t overextend yourself for those who never reciprocate.
4. They ignore your emotions
Selfish people rarely pick up on emotional cues. Whether you’re upset, tired or frustrated, they’ll breeze past it unless it affects them directly. This lack of empathy can make interactions feel cold and one-sided.
Instead of waiting for them to notice, state your feelings clearly. “I felt dismissed when you changed the subject earlier,” works far better than expecting them to read between the lines.
5. Sharing isn’t in their vocabulary
From splitting bills to dividing workload, selfish individuals tend to grab the lion’s share — of time, money or attention. They might not even realise they’re doing it, because their focus is always inward.
Set firm expectations early on. Whether it’s taking turns to choose a film or dividing household chores, make fairness a visible rule, not an optional courtesy.
6. They love comparing themselves to others
For the selfish mind, life is a competition. They measure success by being “better than” someone else — wealthier, fitter, happier (or so they claim). This constant comparison often stems from insecurity.
The best strategy? Opt out. You don’t need to play a game you didn’t sign up for. Focus on your own growth rather than getting drawn into theirs.
7. They can’t take criticism
Try to offer feedback and watch how quickly they turn defensive — or worse, counterattack. Their fragile egos interpret critique as a threat.
If you must address something, stay factual and calm. Avoid personal language (“you always…”) and focus on behaviour (“I noticed…”). Keeping it neutral helps defuse their instinct to retaliate.
8. Their relationships tend to be shallow
Because their focus rarely leaves the mirror, selfish people struggle to build deep connections. They may enjoy the perks of companionship but resist genuine intimacy — vulnerability makes them uncomfortable.
Protect your energy. You can be kind without being a doormat. Prioritise people who listen, reciprocate and make space for your needs too.
9. They blame others for their mistakes
When things go wrong, it’s never their fault. They’ll twist stories, play the victim, or find someone else to carry the blame. This habit of avoiding responsibility can be emotionally exhausting for those around them.
Refuse to accept misplaced guilt. A clear statement like “That was your decision, not mine” can stop manipulation in its tracks.
10. Their expectations are unrealistic
Selfish individuals often demand more than anyone can reasonably give. They expect perfection, immediate responses, and unending support — but rarely offer the same in return.
Don’t exhaust yourself trying to meet impossible standards. Remind them (and yourself) that healthy relationships thrive on patience, respect and realistic expectations.
Building healthier connections
You can’t change selfish people, but you can change how you respond to them. Setting boundaries, communicating clearly and prioritising your emotional wellbeing aren’t acts of defiance — they’re acts of self-respect.
As relationship expert Dr Brené Brown puts it, “Clear is kind.” Whether at work, home or in friendship, clarity and assertiveness protect you from emotional burnout. In a world that often celebrates self-interest, staying grounded in empathy, fairness and kindness might just be the quietest form of rebellion there is.
