At the playground, “monkey bars” are all about swinging confidently from one rung to the next. But in the world of dating, monkey barring takes on a darker meaning — moving from one relationship to another without pausing to heal, or worse, juggling two at the same time. It’s a behaviour that might feel thrilling for the person doing it, but for everyone else involved, it often leaves behind heartbreak, betrayal, and broken trust.
What monkey barring looks like in relationships
At its simplest, monkey barring describes someone who refuses to let go of one relationship until they’ve secured another. It can mean quickly hopping from one partner to the next, or in more serious cases, maintaining a double life, keeping two partners in the dark about each other.
While it may seem like a way of avoiding loneliness, in practice it undermines the very values that hold relationships together: honesty, trust, and respect. Without those, intimacy is replaced by confusion, secrecy, and eventual pain.
Why people do it
So why do some fall into this pattern? Psychologists point to different factors: a fear of commitment, low self-esteem, or simply the thrill of constant novelty. For others, it’s about control — keeping options open to avoid vulnerability.
Whatever the motive, the common thread is a lack of transparency. Instead of building something meaningful with one person, the “monkey bar” dater is chasing short-term gratification, often at the expense of their partner’s emotional well-being.
The damage it causes
The fallout from monkey barring is rarely small. Partners on the receiving end may experience trust issues, insecurity, or feelings of being manipulated. This kind of betrayal doesn’t just hurt the relationship at hand; it can ripple into future ones, making it harder to open up or feel safe again.
For the person engaging in the behaviour, guilt and shame can also creep in. What begins as an attempt to avoid pain often leads to greater psychological strain, arguments, and eventual breakups.
How to avoid falling into the trap
If you suspect monkey barring in your relationship, the first step is to take a step back and reflect. Open, honest communication with your partner is crucial: share your concerns, set boundaries, and be clear about what you need from each other.
Equally important is focusing on yourself. Taking time between relationships to heal, pursue activities that bring joy, and rebuild confidence can prevent the cycle from repeating. Healthy relationships are built on mutual trust and respect — not secrecy and fear of being alone.
Conclusion
Monkey barring may sound like just another catchy dating term, but its effects are real and often devastating. In a world already full of dating challenges, adding dishonesty to the mix only breeds pain. By choosing transparency, prioritising respect, and giving relationships the time they deserve, it’s possible to step away from toxic patterns and build bonds that actually last.
